RR Phantom
Location : Wasted Space
Job/hobbies : Cayman Islands Actuary
 |  Subject: Funny: The salve of swear words  Fri May 16, 2008 10:23 pm | |
| GORDON RAMSAY has uttered the F-word 80 times during a recent episode of Kitchen Nightmares, which does make you wonder who calculates these things. I'm imagining a group of concerned parishioners, probably in Adelaide, with score cards on their laps. Mike, over there in the corner, is handling the simple f---s; Susie on the divan has control of the f--- yous; and Tim and Sally team together to take note of the constant f---ings.
It would all be quite jolly - like a round of profanity bingo, each person proud of the tally achieved by their allocated cuss-word. "I've had 27 f---ings," Sally would trill happily, "and we're still to reach the first commercial break."
Of course, I can see their point. Ramsay is in prime time. The word is often used aggressively. And the English language is a beautiful thing - no term should be used 80 times in a single broadcast. (Although Wayne Swan, on Budget night, must have managed 93 "working families").
Yet, just for balance, someone should speak up for swearing. Of all the major sins - murder, gluttony and watching Ladette To Lady - it's surely the sin that leaves the smallest stain on your soul.
A swear word is the salve for all pain; the release valve for all frustration. We stub a toe, jump around on one foot and let loose a stream of invective: it's a Tourette pirouette and suddenly the pain is gone. Put it in pill form and it would sell a million.
There's also something perfect about the word "f---" and its explosive sound: the way the bottom lip curls behind the teeth, building up the pressure like a slingshot, before flinging the word forward into the world. Try that with "holy moly".
The F-word is also an aid to exertion. You can no more construct a building without using swear words than do it without tools. I've recently been helping a mate build a shed in the bush. Each hardwood beam is lifted into place, with both of us standing on rickety ladders, our mouths full of clouts, a hammer at the ready, while trying to heave the bugger upwards. That final three centimetres of lift is impossible without a bit of verbal fuel in the tank. One, two, three: "Ramsay." Or words to that effect.
Looking back on the construction so far, we've used 50 metres of hardwood beams, 20 sheets of galvo and about 5000 F-words. In building a shed, the F-words are as crucial as the G-clamps and the H-brackets.
Certainly, cooking is entirely impossible without a good, ripe vocabulary. How else do you survive being splattered with hot oil, burning your hand on a hot pan and discovering at the very last moment that Jocasta has forgotten to buy the feta? The "Ramsay" that I let loose is an expression of frustration, as well as a clarion call for her to do better during her next visit to the shops.
Jocasta herself swears like an old wharfie and yet she's also quite well-read. If you're lucky, a typical sentence will include the words "prick" and "Proust" or perhaps "bollocks" and "Balzac". Without the outlet of swearing I'm sure she would have killed me or left me long ago.
Swearing is also the only sin that lengthens your life rather than shortening it. Mudgee shiraz knocks off at least three years, bacon and egg breakfasts five years, while sex out of marriage results in "instant f---ing death" (or so Jocasta told me the other day when I mentioned that I half-fancied our friend Jodie).
Each swear word, meanwhile, adds whole minutes to your life. Just look at the wizened old cuss-meisters you see propped up at the bar of the average hotel: their livers are shot, their eyes rheumy but they're kept alive by an almost constant stream of invective, most of it aimed at Morris Iemma.
People criticise Iemma but the pure hatred he inspires is keeping many of our senior citizens alive. It's a daily tonic for which we should all be grateful.
Of course, it's possible that Ramsay's overuse will ruin things for the rest of us. Constant handling will devalue the coinage. Like antibiotics that are used too often, the words will lose their power.
That next time I stub a toe, I'll shout a "Ramsay" to the hills only to find it has no power, like a torch left on too long. Or, building the next shed, I'll be heaving the ridge beam into place and find that the F-word does not bring the expected surge of effort. I'll need to reach for the harder stuff. Iemma perhaps. Or working families.
And yet of all the TV shows on air, it's hard to believe that Gordon Ramsay and his potty mouth has been adjudged the worst. Not the weekly murdered prostitute on CSI; not the latest piece of sexual nastiness on Big Brother; not even the truly foul language of the nightly news - "collateral damage", "non-enemy combatant", "the Burmese government".
For all the bad language, at least Ramsay has good values: hard work, customer service, not ripping people off. If you want to feel f---ed off at the state of our culture, there may be better targets.
LNK |
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CovOps
 Location : Ether-Sphere
Job/hobbies : Irrationality Exterminator
Humor : Über Serious
| | Subject: Re: Funny: The salve of swear words Fri May 16, 2008 10:38 pm | |
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