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 |  Subject: The Sex Diaries Project by Arianne Cohen  Tue Feb 08, 2011 6:49 pm | |
| With her chocolate brown hair and brown eyes, Manhattan journalist Arianne Cohen - whose book is about the sex lives of British adults - is no Carrie Bradshaw.
The willowy, thoughtful Harvard graduate's take on sex is rather different from the famous Sex And The City columnist.
Instead of washing her own sexual linen in public, for the last four years Cohen has been asking other people to write about their own experiences of sex and relationships - first in the US and now in Britain.
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Her book, The Sex Diaries Project published last year, is a culmination of having read more than 2000 diaries written by British "volunteers".
It includes stories about characters such as a desperately insecure 31-year-old cabaret dancer who's looking for love, a workaholic 41-year-old mum struggling to balance her husband and a boyfriend, and a chauvinistic septuagenarian with sex on the brain and a dislike of Prozac.
This huge and detailed portrait of what goes on behind closed doors makes scintillating reading.
And while it's hard to imagine why the apparently composed and academic Cohen might enjoy editing tales about certain 30-year-olds from Manchester with too much time and gaffer tape on their hands, it's probably safe to assume, having read her book, that she's not as innocent as she looks.
"I think the British compartmentalise sex," says the 29-year-old promptly when asked about the UK's habits.
"Diary entries here are double the length of the American ones.
"I mean 15 to 20 words to describe very basic sexual acts is really beating around the bush. But when you get to the bush it's good."
She nods enthusiastically and without embarrassment - unintended euphemisms are clearly an inevitable occupational hazard for Cohen.
Since starting this project as a column for New York Magazine, Cohen says she's learned not to assume anything about people's behaviour in advance.
"Three days into reading someone's diary I'll find out the person is the other gender from what I'd thought. Age and sex matter a lot less than you would think. You can probably learn just as much about sex from your 94-year-old single grandmother as you can from somebody your age."
Confounding preconceptions about what people get up to is at the heart of what makes this book so interesting.
You don't expect a grandmother to be ogled by her son-in-law or a seemingly charming house husband to Google porn at every given opportunity, but according to their diaries they are and do.
"I think if you can't believe someone of 60 thinks about having sex all the time, you're talking about 60 as a concept in your mind, not reality," says Cohen.
"Limitations are self-imposed, not determined by what generation you're from," she maintains firmly, adding that some of the most conservative attitudes towards sex she found came from British students.
"In particular you'll find this with university women who are in search of their future husbands. Younger people tend to think they have two options: sleep around or get married... and that's it! As people get older they learn how to be in the moment and see what would be really best for those two people."
Since reading the diaries, Cohen reveals she's challenged her own expectations.
"I certainly wasn't looking for a new lifestyle, but I'm now in a long-term 'open' relationship and that wasn't something I was searching for. But as I kept reading, the same sort of things kept resonating for me and I was like, 'Arianne, wait a minute'..."
Now in an relationship where she and her partner are free to "connect with others in whatever way we see fit", Cohen says the diaries have opened her eyes to her own needs.
"I was happy in my private life until I started this project. I was a card-carrying monogamist, that was my path, how I had been raised and it was totally fine.
"I think editing the diaries has made me more comfortable in really dealing with the two people who are in the relationship. And for me and my long-time partner, this is the kind of relationship that made sense to us. I've no idea if it will be this way forever."
But she admits her personal sexual and emotional liberation has come at a price.
"This is the first time I understand what it means to be closeted. Your relationships are such a big part of your life and I've had experiences with my own family where it's not talked about.
"This is why I think these diaries are so important, especially in Britain. There are people in these open relationships and their neighbours and friends don't even know."
Cohen recalls that when her relationship status become public, people she'd known for years opened up to her.
"There was one woman I knew from college and then in a professional capacity who had similar experiences to me and I had no idea we had all these things in common. But then why would you? To be honest, from the outside our lives are 98 per cent the same as anyone else's."
When it comes to what the British get up to behind closed doors, Cohen points out they underestimate their potency.
"I think the British diarists found it revelatory to realise their relationship life and their sex life really affected the rest of their lives - sex is not just something they do for half an hour on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It's entirely connected to who you are as a whole."
And while the title of the book might make you smile, Cohen underlines that it is fundamentally about relationships rather than rumpy-pumpy.
"The happiest diarists not only know what their needs are but feel that they're on a path to getting them met," says Cohen, adding that those in relationships in which communication levels are strong seem the most calm and satisfied, while individuals who aren't come across as "angst-ridden and tend to blame their partners for everything".
So if you're still stuck for something romantic to do on Valentine's Day, the young author suggests foregoing your champagne and replacing it with a frank heart-to-heart.
"People's needs and wants change in a relationship, they are not static. Ask your partner if there's anything they particularly want or need. Or anything that piques their interest in the bedroom.
"Every day I read a diary by a person who is clearly feeling disconnected from their partner emotionally and sexually, and that other person has no idea."
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