CovOps
 Location : Ether-Sphere
Job/hobbies : Irrationality Exterminator
Humor : Über Serious
 |  Subject: Asia: heaven for men, hell for women  Sat Jan 09, 2010 7:47 pm | |
| It's a dream job - a high-level position in Bangkok with an interesting company and an expatriate's salary. A beautiful, company-subsidised apartment that takes up one floor of a luxury building. A maid, a car and a driver on call 24 hours a day.
But for Julie Sleva, a Canadian citizen who is an executive with French cosmetics firm L'Oreal, the dream becomes hollow when she leaves her office. Although young and attractive, Sleva lives the often lonely life of a Western female expat professional in a culture where men rule - a life with no serious relationships and few dates. "Outside of the office, it's tough," thirtysomething Sleva says.
For single Western men, Asia can be a paradise of exotic, beautiful women more than willing to pamper them and inflate their egos. The perks of an expat life - cheap maids, company-paid drivers and members-only clubs - relieve married couples of many of life's daily hassles, including the chores of child-rearing.
But for single Western caucasian women like Sleva, it's a different story. Accomplishments in the office are often overshadowed by solitary private lives, and even the most casual Saturday night date with a man is a distant memory. Many such women feel their chances of having relationships are negligible while they are in Asia.
For Sleva, whose marriage to a Canadian man ended seven years ago, it is a constant frustration. Although she's happy to date both Thai men and foreigners, she says "you never see Thai men with expat women, and expat men are either married, gay or have a young Thai girl hanging on to their arm. You sit in a car near Soi Nana [a popular night-time entertainment district] and you can't believe what walks out of that place - the ugliest, grossest men with beautiful Thai women. It's so easy for the Western man."
Sleva's experience is far from unusual. Many other expatriate women I meet agree with her.
Yet the subject is taboo. Beyond the fact that it is a deeply personal, often painful element of life for women such as Sleva, discussing it opens up a minefield of sexual and racial stereotypes.
In many cases, the stereotypes are accurate, but not always. Some Western men in Asia meet and marry smart or high-powered Asian women - or overseas-born Asian women who are far more interested in succeeding in their careers than in indulging their husband's every whim.
Some Western women are happy to be out of the dating game and in a world where they - like their workaholic male counterparts - can devote themselves to climbing the corporate ladder with more visibility than they might enjoy in the United States or Europe.
The difficulties of many single white women in Asia are so widespread that counsellors are dealing with it every day.
"It takes a toll," says Melanie Bryan, a psychologist in Hong Kong. Bryan's client base is telling: half of them are are single Western women.
"People don't get a sense of self-worth from just one part of their lives," she notes. "Because a woman is a professional doesn't mean she lacks aspirations for a relationship as well, and quite often these aspirations have to be put on hold. I see women drink more. I definitely see them depressed. I had a new patient the other day who was just hammering away at herself. She felt washed-up at the age of 36."
Many of the women who agree with such views are willing to tell their stories only if their names aren't attached. Two women I meet, who have had various Asian postings for United Nations agencies, described their dual lives - great accomplishment and loneliness.
One of them, a US citizen, has given up hoping for a relationship or children, but the rewards of her work over more than a decade in Asia have made the sacrifices worthwhile. She wants to use her name, but says "this wouldn't go over well with the UN".
Another woman, an American who has worked in Asia for a consumer-products company for four years, says it didn't take her long to learn what awaited her. "Before they transferred me, my company sent me to Asia for a look-see," she says. "On the plane coming back I met a woman leaving Asia after eight years. After a few Jack Daniels, she told me, 'Honey, Asia is single-man heaven and single-woman hell'."
Forget dating, she says. "Most Western men are married, and if they're not married, they're playing around big time. And I don't look anything like those sweet little Thai women."
The loneliness is compounded by a lack of understanding in others. "Why do you not have a husband?" is a question taxi drivers, maids, shop assistants and even the most casual Asian acquaintances don't hesitate to throw at single women both Western and Asian.
"It certainly is difficult for a single Western career woman anywhere in Asia to have a fulfilling life," says David Bailey, a counsellor in Bangkok with Psychological Services International. "Most companies don't adequately prepare their executives for living overseas, and they assume they have their personal lives sorted out."
The contrast between the lives of single expat men and women in Asia is illustrated by Sleva's friend and co-executive, Martin Mirmand, who manages L'Oreal's luxury division. Like Sleva, Mirmand is young and attractive. But there the similarity ends. Mirmand, a 32-year-old Frenchman, says his expat existence is "very easy from a lifestyle point of view - the comforts of living, the opportunities to do things after work." "It's very easy to be a man in Thailand, that is for sure," he says.
By contrast, except for nights when she has a work function, Sleva's evenings are spent far removed from bars and nightclubs. She often stays home and eats a spicy Thai salad prepared by her maid.
Marisa Vidaurre, director of St John's Cathedral Counselling Services in Hong Kong, says Sleva's story is typical. "What they relate to me is that expat men are not interested in women who are going to be challenging," she says. "A lot more Asian women culturally find it easier to make men feel better about everything they do. It's hard for a man to resist when every word out of your mouth is a pearl of wisdom and every joke is funny."
So why don't these lonely women return to the West?
"Your career track can be quite rewarding in Asia," says Vidaurre. "When you go back, you are one among the many. It's harder to do special things."
Despite her loneliness, Sleva won't consider asking for a transfer back to Canada or the US. She still wants her satisfying job and to immerse herself in a new culture.
http://www.singleabroad.com/articleasia.html
Western nations: Heaven for women, hell for men
So fuck you! |
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