CovOps
 Location : Ether-Sphere
Job/hobbies : Irrationality Exterminator
Humor : Über Serious
 |  Subject: Funny: O Giveth Thou Unto Me a Break: Conservatives Are Rewriting the Bible  Thu Oct 08, 2009 6:32 pm | |
| There are some things that happen that so cry out for parody that a buzzer goes off in the head of every humor writer on the planet.
Such a thing is the Conservative Bible Project. A bunch of righties headed by Andrew Schlafly (the son of Phyllis Schlafly) are rewriting the Bible because according to them, liberal bias has contaminated all the modern translations.
As soon as I heard, I immediately began writing the conservative version of the Sermon on the Mount. But then I got sidetracked by something, I don’t know, life, I think, and by the time I got back to my Bible shtick, I noticed that Salon.com had already posted its parody. I wasn’t surprised. I figure there are a lot more coming, too.
This project is just so perfect, so hare-brained, so asking for it.
Salon’s parody wasn’t bad. Not as good as mine, of course. OK, really not so hot at all, if you must know the truth.
But it damped down my ambition and I stopped where I was. I could’ve done the entire New Testament conservative style, but this is a parody that almost writes itself. Anyone can do this stuff. Go ahead, toss in a few passages of your own. Either testament. Lots of Bible left…
Jesus goes up upon the mount and a crowd gathers and he says:
Blessed are the poor, as long as they work hard at their lowly paid toil and stay in their place. For theirs is the kingdom of heaven, so they need no government assistance of any kind. What does it profit a man if he gains a public option only to loseth his soul?
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. But then the strong shall take it away from them, because the meek did not deserve it for they were woeful losers which did fail to establish a strong military.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness. Damned are they which do hunger and thirst after leftishness.
Blessed are the peacemakers, though not the ones from the UN, only they which insist upon just terms, meaning terms favorable to our side.
You have heard that it has been said by them of old time, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. But I say unto you that whomsoever shall smite you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also, but then, having faked him out by this means, kick him mightily unto his groin.
And if any man will sue you at the law, and take away your coat, give him your cloak also. Flingeth it over his head so that he may see naught and smite him then with a large stone and take back from him your coat and your cloak, which are your rightful property, as well as his purse, for that he no longer needeth.
And whomsoever shall compel you to go a mile, go with him two, and charge him accordingly, asking also for a gratuity.
Give to him that asks you. And to him that would borrow of you turn you not away, for the interest rates are good and thy lending shall help the economy.
You have heard that it has been said you shall love your neighbor, and hate your enemy. But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for those who despitefully use you, and persecute you. Then droppeth upon them a cruise missile.
Lay not up for yourselves treasure upon earth, where moth and rust corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal. But lay up your treasures in solid, blue-chip investments, where moth and rust and thieves may not get at them and where interest shall accrue regularly.
http://trueslant.com/lewisgrossberger/ |
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