Funny: Principia Discordia

Subject: Funny: Principia Discordia Sat Apr 05, 2014 1:58 am

Random sample page:

5th edition introduction:
by Kerry Thornley, Discordian Society Co-founder
If organized religion is the opium of the masses, then disorganized
religion is the marijuana of the lunatic fringe.
Most disorganized of all religions, Discordianism alone understands
that organization is the work of the Devil. Holy Chaos is the Natural
Condition of Reality, contrary to popular belief. Theologians cite Order in
the Universe as proof of a Supreme Intelligence, but a glance is enough to
see that the stars are not actually in neat little rows. (Oh, sure, there is the
Big Dipper and the Little Dipper - but if they were really connect-the-dot
drawings there would be numbers next to the stars.) Theology is just a
debate over who to frame for creating reality. What we imagine is order is
merely the prevailing form of chaos.
Every few thousand years some shepherd inhales smoke from a
burning bush and has a vision or eats moldy rye bread in a cave and sees
God. From then on their followers kill one another at the slightest
provocation. Haunted houses called temples are built by one side and torn
down by another - and then bloody quarrels continue over the crumbling
foundations.
Organized religion preaches Order and Love but spawns Chaos and
Fury. Why?
Because the whole Material Universe is exclusive property of the
Greco-Roman Goddess of Chaos, Confusion, Strife, Helter-Skelter and
Hodge-Podge. No Spiritual power is even strong enough to dent Her chariot
fenders. No material force can resist the temptation of Her Fifth Intergalactic
Bank of the Acropolis Slush Fund for Graft and Corruption.
All this was revealed to me in an absolutely unforgettably miraculous
event in 1958 or 1959 in a bowling alley in Friendly Hills or maybe Santa Fe
Springs, California, witnessed by either Gregory Hill or Malaclypse the
Younger or perhaps Mad Malik or Reverend Doctor Occupant or some guy
who must have vaguely resembled one or another of them.
With the help of a Chaosopher’s Stone I found the Goddess Eris
Discordia in my pineal gland (on Cosmic Channel Number Five) and ever
since I have known the answers to all the mysteries of metaphysics,
metamystics, metamorphics, metanoiacs and metaphorics. (Before that I
didn’t even know how to install a plastic trash can liner so it wouldn’t fall
down inside the first time somebody threw away garbage..)

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/downloads/Principia%20Discordia.pdf

ROFL

Subject: Re: Funny: Principia Discordia Sat Apr 05, 2014 2:13 am

Another random page:

You, too can activate your pineal gland simply by reciting the entire
contents of this book upon awakening each morning, rubbing sandalwood
paste between your eyes each evening upon retiring, banging your forehead
against the ground five times a day, refraining from harming cockroaches
and meditating (defined as sitting around waiting for good luck).
When your pineal gland finally lights up you will never again, as long
as you live, have to relax.
Eris Discordia will solve all your problems and She will expect you in
return to solve all Her problems. In these very pages you will learn about
converting infidels. Later on, you will be taught how to annoy heretics. You
will also be required to resolve Zen-like riddles, such as: If Jesus was
Jewish, then why did he have a Puerto Rican name?
Once you become adept at leaning on backsliders, you will qualify for
a calling. Maybe you will be a Chaosopher (who delivers commentaries on
chaos) or perhaps, instead, a Chaoist (who goes around stirring up chaos) or,
perchance, a Knower (who knows better than to do either one).
But under no circumstances may you become a Prophet. We don’t
intend to jeopardize our nonprophet status.
What we lack in Prophets, however, we make up for in Saints. Only a
Pope may canonize a Saint, but every man, woman and child on this planet
is a genuine and authorized Pope (genuine and authorized by the House of
the Apostles of Eris). So you can ordain yourself - and anyone or anything
else - a Saint.
Times weren’t always so easy. When in 1968 I first declared myself a
Saint, Gregory Hill said, “That’s impossible,” insisting, “Only dead people
can be Saints,” adding, “and fictional characters,” guessing, “You are neither
one.”
But it happened that, although I was no longer a believer, I was still
on the membership roles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
So Greg was too late. Me and all the other Mormons were already Saints -
and some of us living ones - no matter what he said.
Nowadays only the Mormons have more Saints than the Discordian
Society. But we plan to catch up with them. Won't you please join our
Sainthood Drive? Moral perfection isn't necessary for Discordian Sainthood.
You just have to suffer a lot.
So many other privileges of membership in our religion come to mind
that I don't know where to begin. For instance, you don't have to get out of
bed early on Sunday morning to attend church. You can sleep in. How many
Christian denominations - for all their talk of brotherly love - are that
compassionate?

Subject: Re: Funny: Principia Discordia Sat Apr 05, 2014 2:23 am

Hey, we already published that...

https://ancaps.forumotion.com/t3733-principia-discordia

...a mere 6 years ago!

Subject: Re: Funny: Principia Discordia Sat Apr 05, 2014 2:53 am

I know, lol, but I republished with a couple of sample pages...

Devil lol

Funny: Principia Discordia

Funny: Principia Discordia

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