Funny: Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

Last edited by CovOps on Sun Apr 27, 2008 12:44 am; edited 1 time in total

To the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except Kansas , which she does not
fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English
Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have
been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'favour', "humour", "labour" and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be
replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up
'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-
checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save
The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're
not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not
adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up
enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and this is for your own good. When we show you German
cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left
immediately. At the same time, you will go metric -
without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former U.S.A. will adopt UK prices on petrol
(which you have erroneously been calling
gasoline)-roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
you call French fries are not real chips, and those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only
proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are
pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth
and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part
of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of proper football - you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds, calling for a tweebie "free
catch", or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South
Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, just like they
regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series
for a game which is not played outside of America .
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the
South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector)
from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated
to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper
cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
and cakes; and, of course, strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

Subject: Re: Funny: Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A. Thu Apr 24, 2008 11:24 pm

:laughing face:

Subject: Re: Funny: Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A. Thu Apr 24, 2008 11:40 pm

Funny: Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

Funny: Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

Anarcho-Capitalist Non-Miscellaneous

AnCaps & Humor