Funny: TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT

Subject: Funny: TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT Mon Aug 24, 2009 10:19 pm

(402): lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
(1-402): IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
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(973): i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
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(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession
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(217): he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
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(919): i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
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(909): College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
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(905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
(1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
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(509): Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
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(413): i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
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(972): I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
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(858): You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
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(330): and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
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(801): You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
(1-801): There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
(801): alright see you in the morning.
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(402): I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
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(904): When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
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(240): Banned from zoo.
(301): Again?
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(559): Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
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(864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
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(540): she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
(803): youve hit the jackpot
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(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom
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(516): my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
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(434): There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
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(703): I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
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(209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
(1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
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(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?
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(773): Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
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(905): so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
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(973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
(1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming
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(816): Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
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(508): I'm so horny!
(781): I'm so hungry
(508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
(781): For your pussy...
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(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
(303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
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(705): Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
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(613): I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
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(954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
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(405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
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(908): It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
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(949): Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
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(770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
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(978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
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(831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
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(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
(1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
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(562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
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(330): I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
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(850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
(850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
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(971): I have two black x marks on my hands.
(503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
(971): damnit I wish I could remember that.
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(416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
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(734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
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(303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
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(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
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(434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
(540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
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(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
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(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
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(347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
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(410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
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(281): How do you jack off and text at the same time?
(1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that
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(212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
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(512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
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(775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
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(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
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(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
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(802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
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(440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
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(813): I'm fucking your sister right now.
(1-813): You motherfucker
(813): She's next.
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(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
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(812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

http://textsfromlastnight.com/

Subject: Re: Funny: TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT Mon Aug 24, 2009 10:46 pm

worst nights of all time

(609): I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
(1-609): and?
(609): RIP clitoris

(617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

(404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
(1-404): Two?
(404): Two.

(310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

(571): So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

(308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

(902): and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

(848): I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

(612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

(619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

(325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

(843): happy early fathers day!!!
(829): im not a father
(843): about that...

(847): this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

(216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
(440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
(216): Holy shit r u serious? How?
(440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

(217): How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???

(480): my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

(281): had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

(616): Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

(602): Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

(209): he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period

(908): her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

(202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

(570): Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad

(602): So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
(623): What did she do!?
(602): I didn't tell her...

(330): I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?

(603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

(323): Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
(1-323): We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
(323): Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

(502): Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

(703): it wasn't lemon gatorade

(314): he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

(212): Your dad touched me again.

(206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

(816): normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

(440): wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant

(414): i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
(719): she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
(414): are you serious?

Subject: Re: Funny: TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT Tue Aug 25, 2009 5:26 am

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Why Judgment Day’s Gonna Be A Cakewalk

(I’ve just finished ringing up some items for a customer and her daughter.)

Me: “It looks like your customer card is about to expire. Would you like to renew it now?”

Customer: “Yes, I would.”

Me: “Okay, just press the green button on the key pad.”

(The total rings up as $24.32.)

Customer: “Okay, I want to pay cash.”

Me: “Okay…”

(We stand there for a few seconds as the customer continues to stare at the total on the register.)

Customer: “Well, what do I do?”

Customer’s daughter: “Are you serious?”

Customer: “Yeah, there is no cash button. What do I do?”

Customer’s daughter: “Mom.”

Customer: “What?”

Customer’s daughter: “Hand the poor woman your cash.”

Customer: *hands me cash* “I’m so sorry…I’m used to the machine telling me what to do!”

Customer’s daughter, to me: “She’s not too bright, but she is real pretty. She’ll probably die first when the Terminators come.”

Customer: “Smart a**!”

Subject: Re: Funny: TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT Tue Aug 25, 2009 5:38 am

Quote :: She’ll probably die first when the Terminators come.

Funny: TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT

Funny: TEXTS FROM LAST NIGHT

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