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 Funny: Trump — most innocent president EVER — innocently hides Mueller report in Siberia

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Funny: Trump — most innocent president EVER — innocently hides Mueller report in Siberia Vide
PostSubject: Funny: Trump — most innocent president EVER — innocently hides Mueller report in Siberia   Funny: Trump — most innocent president EVER — innocently hides Mueller report in Siberia Icon_minitimeWed May 08, 2019 7:53 pm

A statement from the (TOTALLY EXONERATED) President of the United States (Donald Trump):
My fellow Americans (except for the losers and haters who don’t recognize I am an amazing president, possibly the best in history):
Today I have made the remarkably good decision to assert executive privilege over the entire Mueller report (WITCH HUNT!) because the stupid Democrats want to see the whole thing even though I’ve already told them it totally exonerates me and there was NO COLLUSION and NO OBSTRUCTION.

Funny: Trump — most innocent president EVER — innocently hides Mueller report in Siberia BcmIYnf

The loser Democrats are voting to hold our wonderful attorney general, Bill Barr, who is just so great, truly, probably the best attorney general pick ever, in Contempt. I don’t know where Contempt is, but I can’t have my attorney general hauled off to some place I’ve never heard of by a bunch of sore-loser Democrats. I need him here, doing his job, which is protecting your favorite president. That’s in the Constitution, folks.
So I have made the bold and very smart decision to deny Democrats access to the full Mueller report and all the underlying — and totally exonerating — evidence. I have also told all my employees to ignore subpoenas from Jerry “Nerd” Nadler and “Shifty” Adam Schiff and Nancy “Nancy” Pelosi and any other dummy who thinks it’s their job to ask questions. And I sent my adviser Stephen Miller to stand outside Nadler’s house and stare into the window. You’ve seen that guy’s stare, right? So creepy. What a great patriot he is.


Anyway, the reason I am doing all this is because, as the great Sen. Mitch McConnell said Tuesday, when it comes to the Mueller report, it’s “CASE CLOSED!” The case is closed. There is no more case and it cannot be reopened again. In fact, I have had the case sent to Russian President Vladimir Putin — who I like very much — and he promised he will take it and bury it in Siberia. (I wonder if that’s near Contempt?) That’s standard procedure for any very innocent person when that person’s illegal-witch-hunt case has been closed.
Now of course, I could easily release the unredacted Mueller report and all the evidence to Congress and let anyone involved testify, since I have made it clear that I am totally innocent and have nothing to hide. But the truth is, there is so much exoneration in the Mueller report that I’m not sure the average person who is not super-above-average like me would be able to handle it.
I mean, not only would the report, and the testimony of my employees Don McGahn and Steve Mnuchin and even Robert Mueller himself, overwhelm people with how much it exonerates me, it might cause Democrats to pass out because they would be so embarrassed to learn that I am totally innocent and they, in fact, are the criminals. It would be like the scene in that Indiana Jones movie where the Nazis’ faces melt when they open that ark thing. And I don’t mean to say all the people whose faces melted were Nazis — there were very fine people on both sides.


What was I saying? Oh, yeah. The thing the lying liberals don’t get is that my defense attorney Bill Barr already summarized the Mueller report in four pages. And I summarized it in four words: NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION! It was TOTAL AND COMPLETE EXONERATION! Nobody needs to bother with all the other exoneratey stuff that’s in there. Believe me, it’s VERY exoneratey. Probably the most exoneratey special counsel report anyone’s ever seen.
It’s not the job of Congress to look any further into this issue. They just need to fulfill their constitutional obligation and believe everything I say and stop asking questions, just as they’ve always done throughout history. There’s a word for that: Democracy. Do what you were elected to do and support your president. How difficult is that?
By asserting executive privilege today, it should be clear to all Americans — even the dumb ones — that I have nothing to hide, because everything is now hidden behind executive privilege. Total transparency!
In fact, in order to protect our great country, which is doing so amazingly well under me as president, I am asserting executive privilege over everything in the whole world. There is no need for anyone to see anything about anything involving me or my administration. Believe me, it’s all on the level and it’s all going fantastically well.
I hereby assert executive privilege over all the things, and especially over the leftover hamberders in the White House kitchen. Those are all mine now. If Barr tries to eat them, I’ll send him to Contempt myself.
Thank you, and may God bless Donald Trump, your president, who is the best.
Please buy more hats.
— DT (Greatest President EVER)
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